"blog takes a break"

The fusion blog will be on "hiatus" for the summer. Any comments, input or questions you have, please feel free to drop comments. We'll regroup and post new postings starting in the fall!

Don't forget these summer get togethers at Tunnel park. Come on out anytime after 6pm and bring your families dinner:
June 24th: dinner and family kickball game
July 22nd: BBQ and volleyball (bring something BBQ-we'll suppply the grills)
Augusts 12th: Family bike ride and bring your own dinner

Pastor Steve

Me VS. You

I read an interesting article this week. It was about how you and your spouse sometimes may find it hard to agree on something. Most couples easily negotiate the give-and-take required for everyday issues, but what should you do on the rare occasion when you disagree on a major decision? Here are ten suggestions for working your way through a significant impasse.

Be allies, not adversaries-remember you are a team not in a competition.

Seek a win-win solution-give and take a little

Listen more than you talk-they may have a point!

Solve the problem-don't conquer your spouse.

Get some perspective-step back and ask, "Five years from now, how important will the outcome of this decision be?"

Define the core issue-reduce the dilemma to its basic core.

Make observations, not accusations-avoid reading motives into your spouse's words or behavior.

The more important the decision, the more time you may need.

Get some advice.

Pray about it.

How you work through a decision sometimes is as important as the decision itself!
P/Steve

When you thought I wasn't looking...

Got this last week from Denise Brink...good words...
WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING.
(A message every adult should read because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.)

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'

Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influences the life of a child. How will you touch the life of someone today?

Take initiative!

It's become standard on job evaluations: "So-and-so takes initiative." Our culture values people who demonstrate a willingness to take on a task without outside prodding; it seems to indicate personal fortitude and a healthy sense of risk. After all, the idea I personally perceived as "brilliant and cutting-edge" might be viewed as "overly ambitious and dangerous." But that's the allure—and the hazard—of initiating something. My suggestion could be praised, or it could be shot down.

But in a partnership—especially marriage—one person doesn't want to carry the whole initiative-taking burden. Sometimes there is a tendency to let one spouse or the other initiate things such as better "parenting skills", certain work that needs to be done around the house, marriage improvement opportunities, etc.. I want to challenge you this week to consider working together on initiating growth in your marriage and family. Guys, our tendency, especially with marriage and parenting growth is to put that on our wives. Find ways, and "spring break" is good time to do it, that you both can initiate growth in your marriage. How can you develop better habits and initiate positive changes in you life? Answer that question and then do it! Its BOTH of your jobs!

Blessings!
P/Steve

I never have enough time!

How many times have we wished for just a little more time? More hours in the day, more days in the week, more weeks in the year, and…you get the idea. Could it be that we actually have plenty of time? We just don't know how to spend it wisely.
Time, like money, is what we make of it. Of course spending time wisely is easier said than done.

I'm increasingly convinced, however, that our perceived shortage of time may be largely of our own making. We talk incessantly about our lack of free time.
The truth is, we're rich in time. What we sometimes lack is the backbone to take responsibility for how we choose to spend it. Time is something you manage, not something that manages you. Learn to think through each time commitment in its entirety. Here are a coupel of ideas to get a handle on your time...

Schedule in reverse
Put the real priorities on the calendar first—family picnic or date night. Then write in everything else.

Drop one thing from your schedule
You'll probably let someone down, but look who benefits. Spending two less days a month as a lunch monitor at your son's school frees you up for a lunch date with your spouse.

Be, rather than do Try it for an evening. Think. Pray. Relax in a lawn chair.

Get your spouse's perspective
Ask your mate to comment on how you're using your time and what seems to be robbing you of time.

Be honest about your limitations
Do you find yourself saying "yes" to a project in the hopes that a weekend will suddenly hold the ten extra hours you'd need to complete it? You can't manufacture time.

Make a list of your commitments Post the list next to the phone or your calendar. A visual reminder of all that you're involved with will make you think twice before tacking on something else.

Blessings!
P/Steve

Kids, kids, kids

I've had conversations with couples who are struggling in their marriage. The root? Their kids. Well, actually, it wasn't their children; it was the fact that the couple was focusing so much on their kids that the marital relationship was almost non-existent. All their conversations revolved around the children. Many couple's date nights even included the kids! They get so busy with all the kids events and caring for them, that their relationship begins to flounder.

Maybe your marriage isn't at that extreme point. But are there times when either you or your spouse could say that the children take precedence to the marriage relationship? Take time for each other! Plan date nights, get away...instead of dropping in front of the TV when the kids go down...sit down over a cup of coffee. Find time to PRAY together! If we don't foster our marital relationship, whether we realize it or not...everyone pays a price! Find time to plan "connection" times with your spouse where its just about the two of you.

2009 Marriage Retreat

For those who were able to make the marriage retreat this last weekend, God really met with us in many ways. Doug Swink from Winning at Home in his final message to us talked about the importance of touching every base in our marriage. First base, good communication, second base was intimacy, third base was servanthood and home plate was sacrifice. If we search and focus on those areas. Our marriages will be successful. Perhaps one of the most important things and the number one thing we can do is to pray together. To get over our concern about any awkwardness we might have with that and just do it! Statistics bear out the incredible fact that when couples pray together, the divorce rate goes down exponentially. If you attended the retreat, we'd love to hear testimony to what God spoke to you and your spouse about...share comments!

Pastor Steve

Fireworks!

As a kid I had a love-hate relationship with fireworks—I was awestruck by their incredible beauty and the power with which they explode, but was also fearful of the danger they represent. Whether it was the noise or what the firework did, looming in the back of my head was the real possibility of losing a finger :). Somewhere within its dynamite-packed core, there was potential for destruction.

When it comes to communicating with your spouse, there are certain approaches that have an equally explosive effect. These "Communication Firecrackers" may seem innocent, but they can cause definite sparks … if not an outright blast. A few weeks ago in fusion we talked about communicating in a healthy way...here's four dangerous techniques that can cause communication blow-ups...

Threats-We rarely resolve anything when one or both partners act out of a threatening posture. Genuinely seek to understand each other without threatening your spouse.
Name calling-It degrades that person's character. Those kinds of statements are cruel and never productive. Be careful not to use name calling as you argue.
Blame-many couples, if they could, would just blame each other for their problems. A more effective way to communicate is to use "I feel" statements.
Exaggerations-"You never"... or "You always..." statements are common for exaggerators. Focus on the here and now rather than connecting today's disagreement to past problems.

Communicating well takes work...work at it!
Pastor Steve

List, lists, lists...

I love making lists. Right now, there are about four in various states of completeness littered across my desk and on my computer. It's strangely satisfying to see items listed so neatly on a sheet of paper. Oftentimes, those tidy bullet points help me get my thoughts in order in a way few other things could. I know, its sad, isn't it?

Have you ever made a to do list around your marriage and family? Think about it. We make grocery lists, to do lists, errands lists, etc. but how often do we sit down and make lists to improve or set goals for our family and marriage? Consider making some lists around certain goals: places you want to go as a couple/family; the top 5 things you want to instill in your kids; a list of positive habits you want to begin to incorporate in your marriage/family; and more!

Many of you have seen the movie "The bucket list". Its an interesting prospect. Take time this week to think about the kind of "to do" list(s) you would want to develop with your spouse and or family...and then sit down and put it together! And then, don't forget to work on checking them off!

P/Steve

"Men are computers and women are cell phones"

I read an interesting article comparing men and women. Here is an excerpt. "I don't know how we're going to sort out tonight's schedule," I gushed as my husband, Richie, came through the door. "You're late—and Andrew has a game an hour away. One of us has to get him there by 7:00. Jordan has a game here. Kaley is cheering at Jordan's game, but she also has a game right before his. And it's the same time as Andrew's away game. That's also the time Allie and Daniel are supposed to have practice at …."

I hadn't even gotten to the dinner dilemma part of my list, when I knew by Richie's wide-eyed, zombie stare that he'd shut down somewhere just after "You're late." I've seen the look before. How many other wives have seen their husbands processing information when suddenly their "screen saver" kicks on? My husband is able to process a lot of information. I know—I can dish it out in hefty chunks. There are times, however, when something seems to happen to his internal processor. Everything locks up and I feel as if I need to, well, reboot. It's as if I'm living with a computer!

Funny thing is, Richie tells me he's living with a cell phone. The night he arrived home late, he'd had a long problem-filled day at work. He'd been looking forward to coming home, to his refuge where he could simply veg out and not have to think.

As he opened the front door, his peace bubble exploded into an outline of the evening's agenda. I'd been poised at the door, ready for the attack. Every word about every game and every place the kids had to be came at him nonstop. Richie told me later that my actions were akin to settling into a comfy seat at a movie theater only to have his cell phone blast.

I'm a "cell phone"? I thought. And I realized I can go off unexpectedly and sometimes at the most inopportune moments. I'm also faithful to keep "calling" until I'm answered. Oh no! I thought. I am a cell phone!

Can you relate? What are ways we can bridge this gap in our communication/thought processing styles? What works for you and your spouse?

P/Steve

Happy New Year!

Well 2009 is here. For many they were happy to see 2008 disappear...with all the turmoil, the economy and craziness that occurred, it was a "unique" year for many to say the least. With a new year. always comes new expectations, commitments and hope. I want to challenge you as a family and a couple to give some thought to how things will be different in 2009. What are you prepared to do to improve your family and marriage and most importantly let God be the Lord of your house and marriage? Share some commitments that you and or your family are making this year to grow together as a family and toward God. If you haven't laid some of those things out yet, just give ideas of what we can do to improve our families and marriages...

P/Steve

Give thanks...

It's natural during this time of year to be reflective and remember God's blessings. Of course, its a continual reminder as we celebrate Christmas of the thing we as believers are most thankful for, Jesus. What are you most thankful for during this time of year? Let's take time to "give thanks"...

P/Steve

"Snow Day!"

I was in conversation with a friends daughter a few months back about winter coming. I inquired about their likes and dislikes about winter and was eagerly anticipating an empathetic "yes" to the question "don't you love school snow days?" To my amazement as I asked the question, there was the exact opposite response, an emphatic, "NO!". I was curious and asked "Why not?" Their response, "because when we stay home from school on snow days, my mom makes us do housework!". I laughed. Well its our first snow day of the year, are you prepared? What do you do with your kids on a day when they stay home? Do you get creative and plan or just go with the flow? How do you keep them entertained or themselves entertained?

P/Steve

"God with us"

Immanuel, "God with us". One of the greatest statements made surrounding Jesus' birth. It means that we can experience God right here and now. Through the birth of Jesus we have access and connection to God. Its one of the great benefits of the Christmas story. St. Augustine once said: "What, then, is the God I worship? ... You are the most hidden from us and yet the most present among us, the most beautiful and yet the most strong, ever enduring; and yet we cannot comprehend you." When Mary gave birth, God became very present-but in so many ways He is still hidden from us.

Romans 11:33 "Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!"
Ever wondered why God wanted to live among and within us when we can’t fully comprehend him? If you have ever been to a foreign country you know the sense of temporary loneliness and frustration if they speak a different language, living among people you can't fully understand. But you endured because you knew eventually you would be understood.

1 Corinthians 13:12 promises a day when we will no longer see through imperfect eyes: "Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything".

The beautiful thing about this, is the next time we see Jesus it will be different-we'll recognize him as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. To see Jesus the 2nd time will be heavens greatest joy!

What's most important?

As Christians, it doesn't take long at this time of year to hear the phrase..."remember the reason for the season". It's a phrase that seems to be used quite often in Christan circles during the holidays, and whether you think its a "corny" phrase or has all the meaning in the world, one thing is true...the statement is true! Whether we like it or not, its so crucial to remember why we celebrate. As sort of a follow up to last weeks question on holiday traditions, let me ask, what is it that you do as a family or couple to keep Jesus center during this time of year? Do you have any "spiritual traditions" you adhere to, to make sure your family remembers the reason for the season? Share your thoughts...it would be great for others to pick up some new ideas from you!

P/Steve

Family Memories

One of the best ways to build unity and memories with your family is to plan events, activities and traditions to experience together. I remember growing up, some of my fondest memories we're around traditions and activities that we would do. I loved the things my parents "created" when I was growing up, and hold to many of those things with my family today. With the holidays now here, what are some things that you have done or are planning to do as a family to "create memories"? It can be as simple as holiday traditions, to a night out, to a special trip or event. Share your thoughts so others can glean ideas! Would also be great to give ideas around how you incorporate the Lord into your holidays too!

P/Steve

Money and marriage

Divorced couples have revealed that money is one of the main reasons for their breakups. It's not just a lack of money, because many affluent couples have struggles and tension about money. Arguments about money-not sex or household chores-are what couples between the ages of 18 and 40 fight over the most, according to a recent survey. In fact, money is such a troublesome issue that 82 percent of survey respondents say they have hidden shopping bags and various purchases from their spouse. So much for marital oneness and unity, huh? If God owns it all-why is money such an issue of strife?
In a marriage, it's not a matter of who's right, but submitting to one another in love.
After the new year the fusion class will be exploring ways to handle money in marriage. What are some things that you do as a couple to have a healthy perspective on money and make sure it's not a source of strife?
P/Steve

"Love languages"

A recent article I read by Gary Chapman brings some insight into what we have been talking about in fusion about love languages and how to best communicate. Here it is...

"I'm desperate," Mark told me when he entered my office. "My wife told me she doesn't love me, and she wants me out of her life. I don't understand. I've been a good husband. We have a nice house and wonderful children. I love Suzanne: I tell her how beautiful and special she is. How can she throw away 17 years of marriage?"
"Has Suzanne ever complained to you?" I asked. "She says we don't spend enough time together and that we don't talk. But my business is demanding, and when I get home I need down time." I knew their problem: Suzanne's love language (the way she best understands and receives love) was Quality Time, and Mark hadn't spoken that language. His compliments weren't enough; Suzanne needed his time and attention.
Feeling loved is our deepest emotional need. When that need goes unmet, it weakens our love for our spouse. Then the negative behavior patterns we once overlooked begin to annoy us. That's why Suzanne could say, "I don't love you."
After 30 years of marriage counseling, I'm convinced there are only five languages of love. Each person uses all the languages, but really thrives on one. The better you speak your spouse's love language, the stronger your emotional love life will be. For those unfamiliar with love languages, here's a brief course:
Words of Affirmation. Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death." This language uses words to honor and appreciate your spouse. "You look nice in that outfit." "Thanks for taking out the trash. I really appreciate all the hard work you do."
Gifts. A gift says, She was thinking about me. Look what she got for me. Gifts don't need to be expensive. Haven't we always said, "It's the thought that counts"? With gifts, it isn't what you give, but how often you give that communicates love.
Acts of Service. The Bible tells us to love not only in word but in action (1 John 3:18). Acts of service include: washing the car, walking the dog, changing the baby, or whatever needs doing.
Quality Time. This means giving your spouse undivided attention. Maybe it's a picnic, a weekend away, or just muting the TV. The important thing is the two of you are focused on each other.
Physical Touch. We've long known the emotional power of physical touch. Holding hands; embracing; a back rub; even putting your hand on your mate's leg while you drive.Revealing questions
So how do you discover your spouse's love language? Answer the following:
"How does my spouse most often express love to me?" If they give you words of affirmation, that may be their love language. They're giving you what they wish to receive.
"What does my spouse complain about most often?" Our complaints reveal our deepest desires. Suzanne complained, "We don't have time for each other. We don't talk." Quality Time was her love language.
"What does my spouse request most often?" If your spouse routinely asks, "Would you help me make the bed?" "Would you give the children a bath tonight?" then Acts of Service may be his or her primary love language.

Share your thoughts :)

Pastor Steve

Defining Love

On Sunday we talked about how different people are loved and express love in different ways. The conclusion is clear, everyone has a unique way in which they want to be loved. One of the keys to a successful marriage is finding out how your spouse senses and receives love from you. What have you learned about each other as it relates to how your spouse needs to feel loved?

There are 3 key ingredients to a healthy marriage that expresses a healthy love for each other.

• Passion
• Intimacy
• Commitment

The 3 "legs" of healthy love are critical to exercise if we are to be successful In our marriages.
Passion-the desire for physical affection
Intimacy-the importance of really getting to know your spouse and experience life together
Commitment-it is the "cement" of marriage that says I love because of who you are not how I "feel".

How do you cultivate...passion, intimacy or commitment in your marriage?

What is your favorite date idea?

We had some great ideas for "date nights" this weekend in class. Here is a sample...(comment and add ideas if you have them)...

• Bowling, movie and dinner
• Road Trip
• Apple Picking
• Walk along the beach
• Coffee house
• Have fun with a hide and seek game-hide clues and end with dinner out
• Couples massage
• Make dinner together for just the two of you
• Do something that your spouse enjoys to do and you don't and then next time...switch!
• Canoeing
• Walk around downtown
• U of M football game
• Any restaurant other than McDonald's :)
• Weekend in Traverse City
• Weekend ski trip
• Mini golf
• Parade of homes tour
• Invite other couples over for dinner
• Picnic at the park
• Boating
• Biking/Picnic
• Go out for ice cream
• Go to "paint a pot"
• Go out to breakfast together
• Overnight to Chicago
• Find out a person or group your spouse likes and see them in concert
• Clean Comedy Club
• Drive to see colors
• Go shopping for something fun (his and her stores)

OK...its your turn! Ideas?

Pick one of these or your own and set a date in the next week to get out!

P/Steve